Jupiter Ascending Review: Avoid At All Costs!!

A couple of days ago I had to stay at my brother's place where he showed me the movies he currently had. I scanned all the movies and to be perfectly honest, none of them really caught my attention so I decided to make do with Jupiter Ascending because it's a movie I'd never actually watch if I were alone, and there were a lot of hype surrounding the movie so I thought it wouldn't hurt to see it.

But it did! I mean it did hurt! A lot! The movie was so utter rubbish that it actually hurt me because I spent my 2 hours watching that total garbage. I normally don't write reviews of movies I don't really like. Jupiter Ascending is different because I hated it so much that I wanted to get rid of this hatred I stored inside me.

Jupiter Ascending follows the story of Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) who discovers her fate as an heiress of the planet Earth. Before she found out about her royal roots she was cleaning toilets. I am talking about actually cleaning toilets... Meanwhile Balem Abrasax (Eddie Redmayne) is out to kill Jupiter because he has control of Earth and when he finds out about Jupiter's existence, he wants to eliminate any claim she will have on Earth. During this ordeal she is protected by Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), a hired soldier, whose mission is to find Jupiter and bring her to Titus Abrasax, Balem's brother. (Uhh talking about the plot is just as boring as the movie)...

Let me start the actual hate now... First of all; do not expect any "decent" acting. Even Oscar winning Eddie Redmayne, his daft whispers and all his lines are tough to get through. I really don't understand how he could have picked this movie...He is sort of in demand, surely he can find another movie to get some money from! As for Mila Kunis or Channing Tatum I can't talk because there needs to be some form of acting if one wants to talk about it. Theirs were non-existent. It felt like Jupiter was Descending more and more after every scene rather than Ascending like the title suggests...

Second of all; the special effects? Really? Most of the movie looked like a poor game made out of billions of pixels. It felt like I was punishing my eyes for some reason. I really wanted to wear glasses after the movie was over. The funny thing is, I don't even use glasses... The movie has an expensive "feel" to it but believe me it "looks" nothing but cheap...

Thirdly; did you read my very very short summary about the plot? This should be enough.

Fourth; skates??? Of all the things that a much higher technology from another galaxy could achieve, they came up with flying skates (gravity boots in fancier words) for Channing Tatum's character??? Skates???? And a shield????

Fifth; a love story that is shoved down our throats: I agree, this is something that is done on a lot of movies. But in Jupiter Ascending the "love" story felt incredibly forced. It became too disturbing to watch at some point that I actually looked at the clock to see when the movie would be over just as our main characters started kissing... 

With non-existent acting, terrible dialogues, poor plot, incredibly bad cinematography, a romantic story line that is so forced that it feels like it's shoved down our throats; Jupiter Ascending has no quality that would be its saving grace. Unless shirtless Channing Tatum or Mila Kunis' face is your thing. If so you'll love the movie for sure. I still can't wrap my head around how Channing ended up being shirtless 80% of the movie...If that's what they wanted to focus on, all the rest of the qualities that make a good movie would naturally be missing.

Ok, I am sure you will agree that this review was nothing like I have ever written before. Because as I mentioned earlier, I write reviews of stuff that I enjoy and therefore want to recommend. This is different, I merely wanted you to steer clear of this movie because believe me it will be a waste of your time. If there is ONE thing we can learn from Jupiter Ascending; it is that time is the most important commodity (it is the most expensive and important resource in the movie) that we have in our lives, so don't waste it like I did and avoid this movie at all costs!!!!

1/10